sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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