I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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