It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
