i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
