Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
bring money and cleavage
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
