i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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