I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Holy sore nipples Batman
you made out with another girl for some wings
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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