I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
