My room smells like vodka and shame
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Even my vagina gasped.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
