I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
