Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
