Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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