You can't special order awesome
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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