proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
