I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
