i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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