conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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