We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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