you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
