I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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