Your face is a jimmy john
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
