You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
