its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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