i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
