laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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