so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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