I intend to get homeless drunk
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize