Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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