wanna go halves on a baby?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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