I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
