my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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