I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
