wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize