I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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