If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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