Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Apparently you make a good broom.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My balls are so social today.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
