Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
