First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
