i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
