Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
there is another microwave in the elevator.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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