If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
