its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
