Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
this is an emotional support booty call
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
