I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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