Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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