im gay
i know
yea but for you.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
