Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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