mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
