My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
