This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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