We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize