he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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