who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
