he wants to bone in the snuggie
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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