Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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