I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
