I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
