i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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