He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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