Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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