Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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