i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
