On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
