No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize