I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
