you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
