I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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