you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I deserve to be covered in dicks
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
